Honesty – Is it Really the Best Policy?

Honesty intimacy

 

A friend and I recently had a “discussion” over social media about the elderly and how they (some of them anyway- maybe most?) lose their filter and really don’t care what they say- whether it’s offensive or not. My mother and grandmother had a really bad case of this- my grandmother would say whatever seemed to enter her mind, completely filter-free for as long as I knew her. Or, well let’s just say if she had a filter, wow- I can’t imagine what her unfiltered thoughts were. My mother grew more verbally open the older she got, and the sicker she got. I guess when you know you’re about to meet your maker, you gotta say what comes to mind. I’m kinda okay with that. It really was pretty embarrassing at times though. Especially the time she gave the pastor the finger. And could be hurtful. But I don’t hold it against her- she is forgiven.

 

I was an only child and I will totally admit- I’ve never really been an adequate communicator. When things go south with anyone, I typically will keep it in and rot inside- which is probably why I have to drink Mylanta. I have often felt that I didn’t have a voice. I didn’t want to rock the boat. I don’t deserve to have an opinion. I’m not anyone special- so I don’t deserve to speak my truth. I feel this line of thinking has been a breach in my integrity. In finding myself again, I am going to have to verbalize who I am and what I want, and maybe even why. Clearly and concisely. In good times and bad. I got stuff to say.

 

So- I’m gonna start communicating- and letting the chips fall where they may. I’m gonna do It until I get it right. I’m sure I’ll mess up a lot as I try. It will be like a baby learning to walk. I’ll fall down and pick myself back up. I’m gonna say what’s on my mind (and not just via text or social media). I’m sure I’ll say things I wish I hadn’t said. People will receive what I say wrongly. But that’s just the way it is. I am going to start being true to who I am, developing me, trying to learn what makes me tick- again. The Word says I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, and I’m excited to speak my truth. I’m kinda looking forward to it.

 

The rest of the world, however- the rest of the world may need to duck.

Who is Me?

 

As I have been typing out my prayer tonight- which I haven’t done in a while- I realize that most of what made me who I am has been stripped away.

I live in a bed, basically. I’m not really able to go and do with my kids like I used to, which I loved. I’m not much able to get out and lunch with friends, which I used to enjoy. I don’t wake up at 4am and have my quiet time with the Lord anymore. I’m lucky if I even have it at all, because most of the time I don’t, it seems. I certainly have the time on my hands! I am just not plugged into the power source, as my pastor put it during one of his messages. I have tried to get back into good habits and for whatever reason, it ain’t happening for me. Maybe it’s my fault, I really don’t know.

Furthermore, no one wants to hear my whining and complaining. So while I’d like to complain 24/7, I try to stuff as much as possible.  Sometimes, much to my dismay, it comes out.

I don’t want to be ungrateful. I mean, I’m still alive, still breathing. My kids are healthy. I do have a husband willing to work while I can’t. We have food on the table and the bills get paid, although discretionary (fun) money is scarce. We are certainly getting by, which is more than I can say for a lot of people I know. Furthermore, I have friends in way worse shape. I just hate to see anyone going through this stuff, even though the Bible says to rejoice in trials. I know this trial is making me- making me a new person. But man, is it ever painful, in every way. It is exhausting.

I used to be a nurse. While I wasn’t the best nurse in the land, I loved serving people and helping make their lives a little better in some way. That part of my identity has left the building, also. Heck, I need a nurse myself probably.  Now my nursing is done behind a computer screen and on a phone. I find this ironic and comical, as much as the Lord knows I hate talking on the phone. But, the ability to work the way I do is a huge blessing.

I can’t clean my house. I can barely get dinner made. I live vicariously through people on TV.

I can’t always make it to church. If I do get there, I can’t wait to leave- simply because I’m in pain and I want to be home.

I can’t drive or sometimes even ride long distances anymore. Something about being in motion in the car makes me miserable. So that greatly limits my visiting the area I was from. I have to keep in touch with everyone via social media.

There’s a whole lotta can’ts in my life right now.

What CAN I do?

I can blurt out little prayers to the Lord on behalf of my family and friends. I can usually make dinner- maybe 4 nights out of 7. I can mail doo dads to one of my special friends (well, I can put the stuff in an envelope and my son will usually mail things for me). I can encourage my kids to lay with me and I can rub their backs and play with their hair. I can joke and enjoy their company and laugh. I can work my telephone triage job for brief intervals and for the most part enjoy it and feel useful. I can read encouraging Christian blog posts. I can comment on my friends’ posts and let them know how I feel about them. I can text people and do the same. I can manage our finances and make meal plans for a few days at a time. I can fold a load of laundry and put it away. I can’t do all these things every day, but I can do them sometimes. And I’m gonna try to figure out what else I can do.

 

So, Lord, in obedience I come to you, and I thank you for what I CAN do. I also thank you for this trial, in obedience to your Word. Although it is a literal pain, I thank you for the good things that have come from it and I do know that you work things out for my good and your glory. I thank you for your patience with me as I navigate these unchartered waters. I thank you that as I sink, you are there to pull me up. Thank you that I have friends who care about me and check in on me.

 

Why did I type this out? To get it out of my system, so I can start tomorrow fresh and new hopefully. Why did I post it, you may ask. Because I know someone somewhere out there feels the way I do. They have lost their “me”. And I want them to know they aren’t alone. This is my only floor, my only podium, my only voice. I’m not interested in pity, I loathe pity! I am just trying to figure me out. Trying to make sense of what’s going on. Something we all need to do for ourselves.

 

Thanks for hearing me as I journey.

Andra

thisgirlcan

What If….. A Dissertation on Illness, Need, Death, and All the Other Things We Dislike About Life

 

 

Last night, I was watching (for the second time) a documentary regarding the life and death of Joey Martin Feek (To Joey, With Love– you may be able to watch this on Netflix or Pureflix). I didn’t follow Joey’s story until she became terminally ill. She seemed to be an amazing person, who lived an amazing life and died an amazing death. Many have been so heavily impacted by her life (and death). It’s such an inspiring, yet sad, yet SO INSPIRING story- of a beautiful person with courage and faith. And she left behind a beautiful family whom she loved with every moment.

Joey and Rory

Since I have been sick (constant chronic pain since 2009, in 2016 diagnosed with a condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome- a genetic disorder that I have had since birth but only have recently received the diagnosis. EDS causes pain, migraines, anxiety, depression, gastrointestinal problems, genitourinary problems, extreme fatigue, PAIN (did I mention pain?) – and the list goes on and on), I have had multiple people, including myself until the last year or so, pray for my healing. I have had people blame my lack of healing on some sin of mine- there’s plenty of those it could be pinned on! I have walked through a miry swamp- wrestling God, wrestling disease, being worn completely out by my disorder, by irritation with people, with God, and with myself. I’m sure you can relate, because even if you are not sick, you have some sort of problem. In this sin-sick world, there are financial woes, physical woes, family woes. You may have a wayward child or not enough money to pay the rent. You may have people you don’t get along with, maybe even in your own home. You may have a marriage that is teetering on the rocks. I hope none of these are true. But you probably have at least one thing in your life that really gets your goat, and you can’t figure out why God isn’t fixing that thing. I mean, he supposedly loves us, right? And I love my kids, and the one thing I’d love to do is fix every single one of their problems.

But….WHAT IF. What if we threw our arms open in reckless abandon of our circumstances, instead of trying to change them? Hear me out before you assume I’ve lost it. I mean, if your kid is sick, or in rebellion, or your body is shriveling away, the right thing is for it to be- well, righted? Right? Made right? But if it isn’t happening, then, it isn’t happening. And why continue to beat our heads against a wall that isn’t budging?

I am wondering if the answer might be to just embrace the circumstances. Embrace the pain. Embrace the discord, or the person wronging you, even as they are wronging you. And even in their dirty muck. I long ago quit asking for healing. My logic was- I was made this way. It’s not like I caught some disease. I was put together chromosomally like this. Kind of the same way someone with Down’s Syndrome is put together. Do we pray that they won’t have Down’s? I mean, usually we just accept that they do and enjoy their beauty and loving personality. At least I do. I am wondering if we maybe should look at our own issues this way, embracing them, ACCEPTING them.

I despise the mere thought of ACCEPTANCE in my own life. I am a fighter. I historically have fought problems, and have warred in prayer. I am goal oriented. I am always thinking forward to the next big thing. I always have a goal in mind- finish a degree, buy a different house, accomplishing something/anything. But maybe that’s not always the answer.

While watching Joey Feek, I saw her cry. I saw her and her husband and family pray for good. But the greatest thing I took away from this wonderful documentary, is watching her live, despite the dying; watching her embrace her circumstances. Sometimes living meant having a surgery, or just ironing a shirt. She didn’t fight against the cancer all day, every day in prayer for healing. They seemed to pray as they normally would, asked for healing, and then embraced in faith the circumstances that did not change, only worsened. Then she died. She received the ultimate healing, the ultimate victory, from a good God that she had entrusted her life with. She had a baby, a husband, and every reason to pitch a hissy fit because of her circumstances. I’m sure she had her moments. But I didn’t see any hissy fits.

Circumstances are what God uses to mold you into the person you were created to be. The clay doesn’t fight the Potter’s hand while it’s on the wheel. It curves and bends to mold to the hand. It doesn’t yell back demanding prayers either. It doesn’t stand there scratching its head, or get bitter and dry up. It just turns into a beautiful piece of pottery. And that is what our lives are likened to in the Book of Isaiah- we are clay on the Potter’s wheel.

I was inspired by Joey’s life. I want to be like her, as she followed Christ. Her life is a beautiful testimony of a life well lived and a woman who loved well. Even though she is no longer with us, she still lives on in the hearts of those who loved her. Isn’t that what we all want in life? Well, I do.

I want to be a Joey.

Blessings,

Andra