I have too many of these sleepless nights- it has been five years since you left home, equated to when I “lost” you, and I can only imagine that this is similar to what a grieving mother must feel when they no longer have contact with a deceased child. Not to minimize what they go through, because at least you’re still here….somewhere.
You try to say I changed somewhere along the line but the only thing that changed was I just got sicker. Nothing else. Body got sicker, mind got sicker. Psyche and emotions got sicker. But you were never there to see the gradual changes so I’m sure the changes to you were shocking. You expect me to approve of and even applaud changes in you, but you won’t tolerate any changes in me. You won’t stop to consider what can and can’t be helped. There seems to be so much hypocrisy and so many double standards.
Sometimes you fight really hard to try to make things work, and it’s like trying to push a square peg into a round hole. It just doesn’t work. I tried and tried to make things right. I hope you know I did. I hope you understand I just had to let go. Hanging on was killing me. More every day. It was draining every bit of life I had left in me which wasn’t much life at all. I just had to let you go, leaving you in God’s hands, and hope that one day you’ll care about me more than feminism or human rights or any other platform. Or hell, caring even just a little would be okay. Reminder- I’m a human. I truly do realize my mistakes, probably every one, probably even more than you know. Past and present. I can assure you that I have acknowledged them. It’s love, family, and most importantly God that holds family together despite our mistakes.
I would love to have my sweet girl back. I miss her so. I love you to the moon and back, a bushel and a peck, more than life.