Well, this is not a post that I ever expected to be writing.
There’s a lot of fears that present themselves in the lives of people who are chronically ill. Illness forces you to think in ways you never have or would have. Fear of abandonment by family members, friends, SOCIETY in general is one of the more overwhelming fears. And just as you try to tell yourself these fears are unfounded, the unexpected happened.
I haven’t really talked much about this to anyone other than those closest to me or who I knew would pray, but my husband and I have separated. I don’t want to turn this into a bloodbath of any sort, so let’s just say we didn’t see eye to eye on some things. I don’t want to speak for him. I know he had his reasons, and I’ll leave it at that.
Still however it leaves me in quite a predicament- rebuilding a life that was already on shaky footing, already broken. And NEVER ever thinking that as close as it felt we were, that this would be the outcome.
God doesn’t require you to have a neat and tidy situation to help you rebuild. He is all about rolling up the sleeves on his white robe (thinking back to all the Jesus pics with him and a lamb from my childhood). He gets into the mud with you. He ain’t scared of your broken, your ugly. Not one bit.
So….here we are, rebuilding and taking each day as it comes, cause reallly- what else can we do??
I’ve had to let go of a lot of people I cared very deeply for, because I need time to heal. And I am very serious about that. I don’t have any energy to spare, and the most of it is going to be wasted on the people who most obviously have been placed in my life by God – my kids, my family, my church family. Anyone else, I might not have the time or energy for.
I see life very differently since I have been “sick”. That’s really a whole different blog post, but I have stopped praying some things. I have stopped praying (for the most part) for my healing. I have stopped praying for the removal of “bad” things in my life. I stopped praying to received only good things. I really feel like across the Christendom we have it so messed up and so backward. Instead, I want to pray for God’s idea of what I need and don’t need. And He really delivers. But we have got to get out of that first world mentality, that everything has to be my way, right away. What happened to the honor of suffering? Rejoicing in trials? Did we forget that we are in the upside-down Kingdom, the one in which everything is backwards? Blessed are those who mourn. Count it all joy. We so quickly forget all that when hard things hit.
I am being stretched, my faith is being stretched, my love is being stretched. I thought I would hate every minute of it. But you know what? I don’t.